Hollywood, ese maravilloso mundo de sueños y fantasía capaz de hacer realidad la imaginación de cualquier guionista. Un lugar realmente fascinante… si tienes dinero. En caso de que tu cuenta corriente no esté a la altura de la de Emilio Botín siempre puedes trabajar al estilo mercenario y echarle morro al asunto. Quién sabe, igual hasta consigues hacerte un hueco en el corazoncito de los espectadores y lograr ser tan amado como nuestro “adorado” Uwe Boll. Ahhh, qué sería del cine de autor si no fuera por él…
Let’s face it, his movies are dry shit but surely we won’t miss him when he stops filming? Those sessions with our friends watching House of the Dead with pure laughter could go down in history if no one fixes it. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Dr. “Uba” is not unique in his style. His witness has been picked up not by a director, but by an entire production company whose motto is very simple: plagiarism aplenty.
The Asylum, which is what this company is called, was founded in 1997, but it was not until 2005 when it began to show signs of what its work pattern was going to be today. If a Hollywood film rakes in money by the bucketful, there was nothing stopping them from creating their own version, being careful to avoid complaints, and making a lot more money while saving costs. From there, the machinery began to work, with gems like The War of the Worlds (H.G. Well’s War of the Worlds), King Kong (King of the Lost World) or Dawn of the Dead mixed with The Mummy (Legion of the Dead).
Of course, these are not his best works, which the years endow with experience and wisdom. The crown jewels are only reserved for good gourmets who dare with them:
Alien vs Hunter (Alien vs Predator)
We started strong, even shooting the trailer so that their intentions could be recorded from the beginning. A good handful of unknown actors seasoned with some infamous special effects that are the house’s trademark. The story takes place on Earth where a hunter from another world (he must be from another world, because such crappy armor doesn’t exist here) lands to eliminate the most dangerous species in space, the standard giant spider found in free 3D models. An epic battle on every level, even in the DVD extras, which include deleted scenes. I assume they mean the entire movie.
I am Omega (I am Legend)
Tremendous play on words from the brightest minds at Asylum (one movie is I Am Legend and the other is The Omega Man, hmmm…). Here they go all out and hire a lead actor with charisma to attract the masses, Will Smith style. Needless to say, the choice of Mark Dacascos is very successful in capturing the essence of the original work. A desert, mutant zombies everywhere (I counted more than six) and various blows to compensate for the character’s feeling of loneliness when he discovers that he is the last man on earth… who knows martial arts. Guaranteed entertainment, hey.
Snakes on a Train
He doesn’t go any further, an infected copy of an infected film. Shrapnel squared for our sore eyes. This time we change the plane for a train, which is a cheaper means of transportation and looks very cute on the screen. Since there is the handicap of not having Samuel L. Jackson in Motherfucker mode, a little more spice had to be added to the story, so the invasion of snakes is due to a curse perpetrated by a shaman healer who, instead of learning from the integration techniques of the Indians and setting up a casino, prefers to mess around for ninety minutes of nothing. Not to reveal anything, just say that the ending is one that leaves a mark.
Transmorphers (Transformers)
Big words, gentlemen. The challenge seems titanic if your new victim is none other than the best-known Power Director in Hollywood, Michael Bay. Without being able to blow everything up, plagiarizing Transfomers requires careful study of resources, scene planning and meticulous selection of computer-generated shots. Bah, screw it, we’re on the fast track because every minute that passes we’re losing easy money, so just close your eyes and let whatever has to come out. To give you an idea of the quality, I would like to make a small note: the trailer on their page is named “Do Not Delete”. They must be cool with hardcore because they are in the middle of Transmorphers 2.
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (This… the virgin)
Finally, delight you with his most recent work and, surprise, it appears to be original, or at least it does not seem like direct plagiarism. Believe it or not, this movie doesn’t look as bad as the previous ones. Of course, it still has that whiff of cheap TV Movie, although the effects don’t sing at the level we were used to, despite the fact that the CGI scenes are repeated more than ever. Maybe it’s that I’m getting used to his works, or that the appearance of Lorenzo Lamas clouds my reason, but it could go unnoticed by any video store. Still, I recommend viewing its trailer to all Lost fans just for the final scene. With this we already have another theory to ramble on.