What you should never say to a university student

Me acaba de llegar (o eso creo, porque nunca miro mucho mi cuenta de hotmail) un email que dice verdades como puños sobre los universitarios. Me he tomado la libertad de hacer unas pequeñas modificaciones al final (digan lo que digan, no me van a comparar la dificultad de una ingeniería con la de una carrera de letras, porque aunque seguro que es difícil no es comparable) La verdad es que -por desgracia- me siento bastante identificado con algunas de ellas, ¿Y vosotros?

Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll pass next time!’:

We know it’s not true, you know it’s not true… WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING IT? It is an insult to our emotional state to try to cheer us up with such a false phrase. The only decent response would be ‘Screw you in the ass, you fucking bastard!’, but since we are polite and deep in shit we respond with a timid ‘Yes, of course, next time for sure.’ Silence is better, don’t worry, we know you don’t understand us, so you don’t need to make an effort because it will be worse.

‘How was the exam?’:

BAD, the exam BAD, disgusting, wound-stirring. Obviously the month I spent studying hasn’t prevented me from being cruelly fucked… Why do you ask? To enjoy my misery? To say ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll pass next time!’? No question, the only thing that can help us get out of the hole is money and chocolate. If you are not willing to offer us any of that, stay away and do not wallow in our misfortune.

‘But you haven’t finished the race yet?’:

Let’s see, you big son of a bitch, when we finish the race you will find out, the world will find out. We will give ourselves nicknames in Messenger with so many happy emoticons that your eyes will hurt, we will publish it in the newspaper, in the BOE, we will have a big party, we will definitely NOT HIDE IT. So don’t ask us if we have finished the race when the answer is obviously no. That only makes us want to commit suicide or get into gardening or something like that even more.

‘But is it that difficult?’:

No, that’s it. It’s thrown away. I enjoy mortgageting half my lungs to pay tuition each year and letting them shove sticks up my ass in the form of exams and notes all year long. WELL OF COURSE IT’S DIFFICULT. It is so difficult that your pagan mind is incapable of understanding the levels of difficulty and absurd abstraction that a human brain can reach.

‘So-and-so’s son made his career in just 5 years!’:

GOOD FOR THE SON OF SO-O. Let’s throw peanuts at it and dance around it. There are also people who never finish it, and we don’t see our parents telling us every day ‘How proud I am of you, son, that you haven’t realized yet that you’re not good for this.’ No comparisons, because then we can mention that classmate of ours who took up I don’t know what shit he studied while he was studying as a hobby… Let’s see what humiliates who the most.

Awkward silence produced after the question: ‘What course are you going for?’:

Say something, asshole, you asked. Was your goal to laugh at us and boast that you’re getting I don’t know what shit every year? Because it never fails, the awkward silence is always broken with ‘But how many years have you been in the career?’. THOSE WHO ARE IMBECILE. AND PERIOD. And you should know that every year is like a horrible hell in which crystals are stuck in your heart and your nails are pulled out with pliers… AND I CAN STAND THERE WITH TWO FUCKS! So don’t you dare judge me.

‘What I study is also very difficult. You just have to study more’:

Oh, yes, your exam on Sticking Your Finger Up Your Ass and Sniffing It far exceeds the syllabus of subjects such as: ‘Numerical Methods for High Energy Density Fluid Dynamics’ (Chemical Engineering), ‘Cytology’ (Biology), ‘Data Structure’ (Computer Technical Engineering), Inventory, Dasometry and Cadastre (I.Forestry) or ‘Abstract Types Data’ (Computer Engineering). It’s very hard to have midterm exams that take away your syllabus and make you average with the final… Phew… How complicated yours is, eh? He barely leaves time to scratch his balls and touch the girl next to him. Could it be that I don’t study? The five-hour exams, the impossible syllabi that not even the teachers have a fucking idea about, or the trick questions to catch you if you are not So-and-So’s son, are mere distractions from the true reality: STUDYING, YOU PASS, AND SHIT!

Well, this has been all. As it is a basic guide, we did not want to include very famous phrases such as ‘The teacher won’t be as bastard as you think’, because then we won’t finish until tomorrow… Let’s be clear: RACES ARE FUCKED, DON’T TOUCH THE FUCKS AND LEAVE US TO OUR RHYTHM!!!