Resident Evil: Extinction

This entry was originally written by me in Ludoqia a year ago, but since I was sad that it was lost, with all the love and hatred with which I had written it, I have decided to look back and recover it for my private newspaper archive :)

‘The new challenge of Supermodel 2008’

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, lovers of quality cinema, good arguments, coherent scripts. Please, settle down peacefully in your seats, on your sofas or in your favorite desk chairs, take your bucket of popcorn, empty it and put it between your legs, since the movie I am going to tell you about does not make you want to eat, but rather to vomit. Come on in and delight yourself with one of the biggest aberrations in the world of video games brought to the big screen. And no, don’t expect any mercy from me because you won’t find it. I promise to be implacable with all those responsible for discrediting my favorite video game saga, and for this time (and without serving as a precedent) no, I am not talking about the people from the Antena 3 news.

The first phrase that came to mind after watching the new movie based on a video game: Resident Evil: Extinction is “Capcom, why do you allow them to do something like that to your games?”, and it seems that they have not learned anything after their two previous aberrations, (yes, yes, aberrations) that they have decided to screw it up completely by making a movie with an even simpler plot (If it can be said that it has a plot), which is still moving away more than what Resident Evil means.

“I told you not to give bread to the sparrows.”

But let’s not anticipate events, there is a lot to talk about and first I want to put you in situation. The film takes place a few years after Resident Evil: Apocalipsis. The viral threat to Raccoon City, which was believed to be controlled, was actually not (A nuclear missile is capable of turning a city into rubble, but not killing all its inhabitants), and the T Virus spreads throughout the world turning people into zombies and animals into…zombie animals.

As should happen in every zombie movie, the rivers and lakes will dry up due to the grace of a virus (We all know that zombie fish drink a lot of water…). Faced with this panorama, we find a caravan of survivors, led by Claire Redfield (Here begins the medley of names of characters in the game taken at random by the scriptwriters) and Carlos Olivera, who intend to guide her to a safe place. Meanwhile, Alice, now with telekinetic powers, goes about her business through the desert killing sadistic rednecks and killing zombies at every turn, until it is time to join the caravan due to a “little mishap.”

“Hello, my name is Wesker and I am an alcoholic.”

Since there are no good guys without bad guys, this time it’s Dr. Isaacs’ turn, the same guy we saw at the end of the second part experimenting with Alice. But the best of all is to see who is in the presidency of Umbrella: Albert Wesker (A nice way to destroy the plot of a 4-game saga). If at least the actor who plays him resembled him in some way he could have been overlooked, but he is shoehorned in, without any sense and without any resemblance.

It seems that in the middle of the movie, when Alice appears and takes center stage, the writers couldn’t think of a way to make a meaningful script in two different locations, so they suddenly sent all the characters in the caravan to…I don’t know…Alaska, for example.

“Potataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The ending is predictable, although Resident Evil fans can be sad because the closest thing to a Tyrant of the three films appears. Furthermore, another point in favor is that many naked Alices appear in bubbles, in the purest Matrix style. Who said plagiarism?

In short, since I’m already getting really involved, I’m not going to continue talking about something that deserves to be forgotten. Don’t go see this movie at the cinema. Do not contribute to the industry continuing to make garbage at the expense of all video game fans.

“Getting ready for a night out”

Pros:

• Milla Jovovic appears naked repeatedly. (And at the same time)
• Ali Larter (Nikki in Heroes) appears

Cons:

• Everything else.

[rss]LAST QUESTION OF THE CONTEST: Would I like 100 black men with cymbrels like horses to sodomize the director of the Resident Evil movies?[/rss]